Tuesday, December 28, 2010


Taking Asher in for an MRI in the morning, we have to leave the house at 4:45am.  This is actually a blessing because he will sleep the 2 hour drive there, and then we will be in the hospital so his mind will not be focused on the fact he is not getting breakfast.  We went a week ago for this MRI and they tried to put him to sleep using an IV, they poked (more like stabbed) him 5 times before I said enough and picked my baby up and got out of there.  By the time we left, Asher was hysterical, I was bawling, and I am pretty sure I saw a nurse crying too.  This MRI, where the sedation will now be given in the form of gas, is to determine the cause of Asher's "headaches." For the past 6 or so months Asher grabs his head and tells me "owie head, mama," it occasionally brings him to tears and causes him to loose his balance.  I wonder how long he has been suffering headaches and not been able to communicate his pain with me.  He has always been a bit of a whiner, maybe its because he has real pain.  It kind of makes me sick to think about, my baby in pain and my callous reactions because I think he might be spoiled or trying to get attention.  Did I not notice more signs because I have been so consumed with too many children?  Is it possible to have too many children?  The answer to that of course is, no.  My family is exactly as God planned it to be, I have had all my kids exactly as God wanted me to, certainly not how I had planned on having them.  I know deep in my heart that things are going to be OK, that none of this is in my hands, but in the loving hands of my creator.  May God's will be done for my family always.  Thank you for praying for us during this time of questions.  I certainly hope that the answers are, well I guess I am not sure what I hope the answers are.  I just know that tonight I rocked my sweet two year old to sleep (because his brother, who he shares a room with, is sleeping at a friends tonight and Asher missed him "so much") and took in every breath of his sweet hair, cherished every warm breath on my neck, and prayed for him from the depths of my soul; and I would have done that if there was an MRI tomorrow or not.